Limericks

Apr 22, 2017
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call to leave a message at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows in Detroit at the Fox Theater on June 15 and in Philadelphia back at the Mann Center on June 29. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MATT BRYAN-TAFF: Hi, Peter. This is Matt from Silver Spring, Md.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Silver Spring?

BRYAN-TAFF: Things are pretty good out here. Thank you.

SAGAL: I'm glad. I've been to Silver Spring. It's a lovely place. What do you do there?

BRYAN-TAFF: I'm actually an employee of the federal government.

SAGAL: Are you now?

(LAUGHTER)

BRYAN-TAFF: I am.

SAGAL: And what do you do for the federal government?

BRYAN-TAFF: I am a civilian employee for the Defense Department.

SAGAL: Are you now? What do you do for the Defense Department?

BRYAN-TAFF: I work for one of those silly three-letter agencies that no one likes to talk about.

SAGAL: No one likes to talk about or no one can talk about?

(LAUGHTER)

BRYAN-TAFF: That no one is really allowed to talk about.

SAGAL: Really? Really?

FAITH SALIE: Let me ask you something. If I showed you a map, would you be able to point to North Korea and Australia?

BRYAN-TAFF: Yes, I would.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Yeah, I thought so.

SAGAL: So there's one person in the federal government...

SALIE: Yep.

SAGAL: ...Who can tell the difference.

SALIE: I feel confident now.

SAGAL: OK, well, welcome to the show, Matt. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks you're a winner. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Try our sitting sink, that's what we say. Don't use paper, just use a clean spray. This bathroom appliance sees too much defiance...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Now Brits will bring back the...

BRYAN-TAFF: Bidet.

SAGAL: Bidet, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Bidets, or as they are more commonly known, honey, look, this hotel has a really low drinking fountain...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Are as maligned in Britain as flavorful food. Most Brits either have no idea what a bidet is for or think of it as something dirty or far worse, French. This is why the Council of British Sanitary Pottery - that's a real thing - they have launched a year-long campaign to remove the stigma around the bidet so people will be comfortable with them. If that fails, they'll have to go with plan B, renaming the bidet the pip, pip cheerio bum cleaner.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: When you're on the continent, do you use a bidet?

SAGAL: I - given the opportunity, why sure.

SALIE: OK. It's very European.

SAGAL: Actually, my only memory of using a bidet - and this will end better than it just started...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Is I went to Italy with my then-infant daughter. And we gave her baths in the bidet.

SALIE: Oh.

MO ROCCA: Oh, like - it's like a bird bath.

SAGAL: Yeah, it's really great.

ROCCA: That's so cute.

SAGAL: She sat there, she splashed, she had a great time.

SALIE: That's adorable.

SAGAL: Yeah.

JEFF GARLIN: Please tell me that's not true.

SAGAL: It is true.

(LAUGHTER)

GARLIN: Your daughter, like, was in a poo-poo area?

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: No, there's no - it's...

GARLIN: What?

SALIE: It's like a water fountain. You don't put your mouth on the water fountain, Jeff.

GARLIN: Yes, but - never mind. See, now it's going to get - if you did that I'm calling the police.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here's your next limerick, Matt.

KURTIS: Coffee's great, but it's stained teeth I fear. This new drink breaks the color frontier. At last, I'll put down any drink that is brown. Now I'm drinking a coffee that's...

BRYAN-TAFF: Clear.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes, clear coffee.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Good news for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. There's a coffee he can drink without the urge to deport it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Clear coffee was developed by two brothers who share a mutual aversion to both coffee-stained teeth and appetizing beverages. It's made with real coffee beans, has as much caffeine as a regular cup of coffee and is now being marketed by Starbucks as the invisible unicorn frappuccino.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Our new jeans are facing some flack. The zippers go way up the back. The hot look this summer, just look like your plumber and show a few inches of...

BRYAN-TAFF: Crack.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: The new black this summer is butt cleavage thanks to Levi's new jeans with a zipper in the back. Think of it like a skinny denim union suit, but instead of a floppy backdoor it's got a zipper that gives you the choice to expose a little cheek or the whole caboose.

GARLIN: Any time...

SALIE: What's left? I mean, a side boob - I was just getting used to that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

SALIE: And now it's crack. There's nothing...

GARLIN: You know, the thing about side boobs, I got used to it right away.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You're like, I'm comfortable with that. Bill, how did Matt do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He got all three right. He's a winner.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Matt, thank you so much for playing.

BRYAN-TAFF: Thank you so much.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "CRACKER JACK")

UNIDENTIFIED SINGERS: (Singing) Cracker jack, hey, cracker jack, cracker jack, cracker jack, hey, cracker jack, cracker jack, cracker jack...

JANIS MARTIN: (Singing) Baby, baby, when you tease me, when you hug and when you squeeze me, baby, baby, you're a cracker jack.

UNIDENTIFIED SINGERS: (Singing) Cracker jack, cracker jack, cracker... Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.