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Panel Questions With Patton Oswalt

Jan 6, 2018
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

And now over the summer, we were lucky enough to have a special guest panelist - the comedian Patton Oswalt. Here's some never-before-heard questions from that show.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

SAGAL: Faith, NASA is hiring a new top-level position. You can make nearly $200,000 a year for helping to stop what?

FAITH SALIE: This is a great title. It's...

SAGAL: Yes.

SALIE: ...To stop what? I think the title is something like planetary protection officer.

SAGAL: Right, which means you're going to be protecting the planet from...

SALIE: From aliens.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: To stop the aliens - a real Man in Black - well done.

SALIE: Yes, yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes, NASA has put out a wanted ad for a planetary protection officer. And yeah, it does seem weird that we're putting one person in charge of the planet when there's three people doing store security down at Best Buy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The PPO - will make sure our spacecraft don't come back contaminated, that meteorites do not contain invading alien life and that extraterrestrials not be allowed to vote without proper ID.

(APPLAUSE)

PATTON OSWALT: You know what we got to do, Peter?

SAGAL: Yes.

OSWALT: Build a space wall.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

OSWALT: Build a space wall - they can't get over it.

SAGAL: Big, beautiful space wall - technically, I think that would be a roof.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Patton.

OSWALT: Yes.

SAGAL: They're mostly known for keeping your car clean, but a report this week reveals that car washes could also be used to do what?

OSWALT: Oh, God. They can...

SALIE: Are you trying to remember this or imagine it?

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: I think I head - no. I think I heard the story. You know what? I'm going to go into imagination. They can wash your pets. I don't know. What - a car wash can do what?

SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. I don't know what happened, officer, but there are bristles all over his back?

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: They can kill people?

SAGAL: Yes. They can be used as murder weapons.

SALIE: What?

OSWALT: What?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes. At a technology conference last week, computer security experts demonstrated that certain automated car washes can be hacked into and reprogrammed to kill. They could kill people by like lowering the machinery right onto your car.

OSWALT: Wait a minute. No, I'm sorry. That's, like, the dumbest "Columbo" episode ever.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: The people that did this - they should be locked up. They're planning to kill people with a car wash.

ADAM BURKE: Sir, is this your Turtle Wax?

OSWALT: But hang on. The thing could crush the car or...

SAGAL: Well, that's - you know, these are the kind of car washes that people ride through in their cars. And these hackers - rather, computer security experts - show that this particular operating system that is being used is vulnerable. And they said you could hack in, and you could start controlling the machinery. And if you wanted to, you could, like, put, like, a bar - a steel bar right through a car with somebody in it.

BURKE: Oh. That makes way more sense because I thought you meant like college car washes, you know? I thought they would reprogram a bunch coeds to murder you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know you can do it by...

SALIE: You're rubbing me too hard.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Too much lather.

SAGAL: Here's the thing. If you want to commit the perfect crime, you just hack into a car wash's system...

OSWALT: Wow.

SAGAL: ...And then you wait for your victim to go use it. That's the trick. To encourage them to go to the car wash, you can write in the dirt on their back window. You can be like, wash me. Or I never should have said that about Phil, and now I will pay.

OSWALT: Charles Bronson in "Death Wash."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I know what you're thinking, punk. Was it five cycles or six?

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.