Valley Public Radio - Live Audio

Limericks

Apr 28, 2018
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924 or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming show on June 21 at Tanglewood in the Berkshires. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

WILLIAM WHISBREN: Hi, Peter. This is a Will calling from Minneapolis, Minn.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Minneapolis?

(APPLAUSE)

WHISBREN: Oh, they're great. I mean, spring just started last week.

SAGAL: That's exciting.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Everybody I know in Minneapolis, when you ask him how things are, they say they're great. You people are crazy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Will, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis right now is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

WHISBREN: Let's do it.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I play doctor. That's no drastic perjury because I'm just a few weeks past the nursery. I snip and I tuck. And I'll puff your lips up. This game lets me do...

WHISBREN: Surgery.

SAGAL: What kind of surgery?

WHISBREN: Plastic surgery.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Plastic surgery.

KURTIS: Exactly.

SAGAL: Apparently, free plastic surgery phone games are all the rage among little kids. The makers of the apps, like Beauty Clinic Plastic Surgery...

BRIAN BABYLON: Oh, Jesus.

SAGAL: ...Say that letting kids give cartoon characters liposuction and nose jobs makes going to the doctor less scary.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And help kids identify problem areas on their own faces.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: On the other hand, sane people think this is horrifying.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And the only thing worse than a child afraid of needles is a kid excited about them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mommy, after my booster shot, can I get some Botox injections?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Will, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: This dinner is a bit of a dud. Let's hope life rushes in with a flood. I hope when we eat that it's juicy red meat because they started by draining our...

WHISBREN: Blood.

SAGAL: Yes, blood.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Great news - dinner parties are now even more unbearable.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Awful, wealthy people in London are now throwing what they're calling health optimization dinner parties. And it's just as fun as it sounds.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So what happens is you get there, they take your coat, and then they take your blood.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: No.

SAGAL: A real nurse's aide takes everybody's blood. And then they analyze it. And then you talk about your results over your very healthy dinner. It's like, oh, looks like my cholesterol is a little high. How about you?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh. I've got hepatitis.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Wow. You know what? I...

NEGIN FARSAD: What's for dinner? Is it just like you're eating dirt or whatever? Like, what is it for dinner?

SAGAL: Well, I mean, they serve very healthy foods because it's all about improving your health. So they take your blood and they analyze it. And they serve all these healthy foods. And then, they have someone talk about, like, nutrition and health and so on and so forth.

POUNDSTONE: I thought you were going to say that they took your blood and they custom made your dinner to what you needed.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That would be better.

BABYLON: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: You know, they just, like, they gave you, like, an exam. And they - so like there would be one person at a table that was, you know, too thin and so they're getting, like, ice cream, you know? And they're sitting beside somebody...

BABYLON: Or they're iron's low.

POUNDSTONE: ...Who's, you know, is just eating kale.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here, Will, is your last limerick.

KURTIS: We put Chardonnay in a beer stein. Oh, yes. We are crossing that line. Take some sour ale mash, add a pinot gris splash. Yes, our craft beer is brewed with white...

WHISBREN: Wine.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: White wine beer. You never have to choose between beer or wine again thanks to Bwine.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's a beer made from chardonnay. Finally, the perfect thing to pair with your foie gras and nachos.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It comes from Curious Brewery in the U.K. and has reviewers saying just drink a glass of wine. What is wrong with you?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: My question with this Bwine situation is what happens with the beer before wine, never fine, wine before beer, never fear? Like, where do we stand on that?

POUNDSTONE: Wait, what is that? I've never heard that.

FARSAD: What?

BABYLON: That's sounds like witchcraft.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, what is that?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: That's like...

POUNDSTONE: What is it?

FARSAD: I mean, no. There's all the things that - you drink a certain type of liquor before other things or whatever.

POUNDSTONE: No. I've never heard that.

FARSAD: You haven't heard that one?

POUNDSTONE: No.

BABYLON: Is that something, like, oh, like, when you get married, like, something blue, something used, something new?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, what is that?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Is that like a little...

FARSAD: It's like, trying...

POUNDSTONE: Is that like a little nursery rhyme or something? What is that?

BABYLON: Yeah, like, Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet.

SAGAL: I just really want a drink.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's where I am on this.

POUNDSTONE: I've not heard of these little...

FARSAD: We've broken Peter's will.

SAGAL: You have. You have. Let's find out how Will did. Bill, how did Will do on our quiz?

KURTIS: From Bwine to blood, he's on the mark. Got them all right.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done, Will. Thanks so much for playing our game. Take care.

WHISBREN: Thanks for having me, Peter.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "WHISKEY, BEER AND WINE")

BUDDY GUY: (Singing) They only serve three things - whiskey, beer and wine. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.