Valley Public Radio - Live Audio

Limericks

Sep 2, 2017
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on-air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924, or you can click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows in Dayton, Ohio, September 28 and Minneapolis, Minn., Oct. 19 and 20. Also, check out the new podcast Live From The Poundstone Institute, featuring our very own Paula Poundstone.

Hi. You are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

LAURA SPENCER: Hi. It's Spence from Springfield, Mass.

SAGAL: Hey - Spence, you said?

SPENCER: Yeah (laughter).

SAGAL: Hey, Spence. How are you?

SPENCER: I'm doing all right. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. What does Spence - is Spence short for something?

SPENCER: Spence is short for my last name, Spencer.

SAGAL: Oh, OK. That's cool.

SPENCER: It stuck after I was in the military. And so now everybody in the Pioneer Valley calls me Spence.

SAGAL: Well, Spence, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is now going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each of them. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Are you ready to play?

SPENCER: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: My 4-year-old's peeing on logs, and my teen chases buses and frogs. The name Scooby Snacks didn't lead me off track. I fed my kids treats meant for...

SPENCER: Dogs.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Dogs.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You know how it is. You're in the snack aisle trying to get something healthy for your kids. There's so many choices, so many bright colors. And the next thing you know, your kids are eating Puppy Chow.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This happened to a British mom who accidentally brought a box of bone-shaped cookies. They looked harmless enough. There was a cartoon dog on the box. They promised to clean teeth and freshen breath.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And give her daughter Olivia a thick, shiny coat.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So the mom did not notice her mistake until the kids came home and said, these cookies taste really bad. But look, it is one thing to feed dog biscuits to your kid. But not to give them a dog biscuit until they roll over? That's mean.

(LAUGHTER)

ADAM FELBER: That's mean. That's bad parenting.

SAGAL: No, don't do that. OK, Spence, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: We salmon thought that bears were barbarians 'cause we swam through their food frenzy carrion. But since weather has varied, they're munching on berries. The grizzlies are now...

SPENCER: Vegetarian.

SAGAL: Yes, they are.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: There are lots of negative effects...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes, vegetarian bears. There are lots of negative effects of climate change - melting ice caps, rising sea levels, Al Gore movies. But one benefit...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Grizzly bears seem to be becoming vegetarian. Scientists noticed bears on Kodiak Island in Alaska eating elderberries instead of salmon because the berries were getting riper sooner because of the changing climate. And also, the berries don't squirm so damn much.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is great news for hikers and fish - less risk of being eaten. But it does mean an even greater danger - sanctimonious vegan bears.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sure, it eats you. But, you know, I get just as much protein from this cashew butter, and it is better for the environment.

Just eat me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just eat me.

FELBER: Stop lecturing.

SAGAL: Eat me.

FELBER: Eat me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: My fridge had a certain aesthetic - informative, cutesy, bathetic. But my brand-new appliance just shows blank defiance 'cause new fridges aren't...

SPENCER: Magnetic.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: They're not.

KURTIS: Wow, you're good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: High-tech fridges are all the rage. They have Bluetooth connectivity. They're connected to the Internet. But owners are complaining about one problem - the stainless steel and carbon fiber finishes don't hold magnets, so you cannot stick your kids' drawings to them.

FELBER: This is true.

SAGAL: I know. I have this problem myself. Many parents are resorting to using tape, not realizing they finally have a good excuse to throw those crappy drawings away.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: One food blogger got around the problem by attaching magnetic boards to her fridge so her kid could play with magnetic letters like she used to, confirming that food bloggers are even worse than vegan bears.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Spence do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, she is military strong, Army strong. She got them all right. (Unintelligible).

SAGAL: Congratulations, Spence.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done. Thank you so much for playing.

SPENCER: Thanks.

SAGAL: Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "MAMA IN THE KITCHEN")

SNOOP DOGG: (Rapping) Mama in the kitchen, mama in the kitchen, my mama in the kitchen, whipping. We flipping.

EVE: (Rapping) Ayo (ph), I know you like, like it. I'm winning. Call me the lioness - I'm killing, killing competition. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.